i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
