My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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