Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
