I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Randomize
