while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
