A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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