Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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