i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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