Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
