we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
