i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize