You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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