i wish my penis had a tongue
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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