I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My vagina just recognized that song.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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