you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
