On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
