If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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