K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
