OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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