Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
