Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
