Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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