At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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