I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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