My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just puked most of my soul out..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
