Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize