It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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