where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
this beer tastes like vomit already
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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