am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
