Jerry, you need to find god
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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