i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
