dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
