I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
