I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
