I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
