i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
