Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
