if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
