i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
