The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
