i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
