I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Everclear isn't food dammit
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
