so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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