God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
