I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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