he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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