my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
