he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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