There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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