Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
