I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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