goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
