my phone needs a breathalizer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
