Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
