He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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